Fear of Sewing

Sometimes I am paralyzed with fear when it comes to starting a new project.

Many options

Many options

Being an analyzer, I try to find reasons to explain it away. Is it due to 1) retirement, 2) menopause, 3) stress, 4) lack of confidence, 5) an attack of the “shoulds,” 6) a feeling of disempowerment that is characteristic of females in an older generation who have been brought up in conservative households, 7) feeling bombarded by too many influences?

I think, the older I get, the less time I feel that I have, so I need to fill it with something important. When I retired, I felt that I needed to pursue all those interests that had been shoved aside while I was logging 8 hours a day working for The Man. I wanted to go further into many of those interests, but I had the nagging feeling that they weren’t very crucial in my overall development as a person. Now they are represented by the nine-tenths of my daily emails that I delete without even reading. Most of them require that I spend money, which actually furthers their agenda more than mine.

Which brings me to a realization I had yesterday, Easter Sunday. I listened to Kerrie’s talk in church about how repentance isn’t a punishment. It’s a way to disengage from all that frantic scrambling to get our needs met at any cost. Oh, it’s true. I need, need, need, a “do-over” often. Let me turn around, rethink this thing. I am sorry that I’ve missed the mark. I want to try again. And it’s beautiful that I have another chance. The whole concept of the Atonement of Christ has lots of facets, lots of applications in everyday life.

One time I went to a Relationships Anonymous group. Yes, it’s just like AA, a 12-step program for people who have been in addictive relationships. We all sat around a long table in a conference room somewhere and talked about “my name is _____ and I’m a….Relationship Addict? I can’t really remember, but one lady was just overwhelmed with everyone’s story, she always said she was sorry to everyone. Why? She just seemed to feel responsible for everyone’s awful situation, failed marriage, or even just a bad day.

I go to yoga class every day, and it’s mostly exercise, asanas, but occasionally some principle of yogic wisdom is bandied about in class or in my personal study. Like the yama aparigraha, not focusing on things to prop up our egotistical sense of what it is. But even Mahatma Ghandi spun and wove and made his own clothes. At some point, I know that I can stop frantically asking the Lord for things all the time when I pray, because I realize that I already have all I want and need.

I wonder sometimes, when I see someone who’s really unhappy, just miserable, mean, confused, or wigging out…what would it take to make that person happy?

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Russ L
    Apr 21, 2014 @ 15:15:44

    Hey Jenny,

    It’s funny, I feel the some way sometimes. So I’ll let a sewing or other project sit for six months- two years and then suddenly I feel like I can do it and BAM! It’s done in 24 hours. 🙂

    Reply

  2. y. prior
    Apr 22, 2014 @ 00:56:30

    wow – quite a deep post – not what I expected with the picture – but very cool – and I like how you ended it. Oh, and the relationship addict thing – was that what they called “co-dependent” back in the day?
    oh and I wish I did yoga every day – because I love it so much….

    anyhow, my take on some of this comes from Psalm 37

    “Delight yourself in the Lord,
    And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”

    and I have heard some Christians say to not ask for this or that – but when it comes down to it – God is the ultimate gift giver – I mean – he chose to give us His son, but in other areas too – and who cool to know that he cares about even the smallest desires of our heart – things we may not even know we desire yet – and well, He placed them there and so just how cool….

    anyhow, the lady from that group that was always saying sorry – that reminds me of a funny “walking on eggshells” skit where everyone kept apologizing – it really captured how some people do this.
    okay, sorry to ramble, but such a nice and layered post. 🙂

    Reply

  3. KerryCan
    Apr 22, 2014 @ 09:13:32

    Such an honest and introspective post–I can relate to some of it quite a lot, since I, too, am retired/trying to fit many things in/overthinking a lot of my life. I try to remind myself that creating handmade things can be done just for the joy of the making.

    Reply

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